Fuck up's and death

So I'm locked out of my old blog account and I'm wanting to write to get things off my chest and out of my head. On my old blog i explained about my addiction problems if you want to read it here is the link http://immortaldeviant.blogspot.co.uk/.  recently fell off the wagon again quite badly i started off just drinking a bottle of wine again at night to cope with my uncle john dying. I loved the man he died a horrible slow death he had diabetes first he lost one leg then it went to the other and they slowly chopped it off bit by bit. 1st his toe then to the ankle then to the knee. He wasn't getting any better though and when they tested him they found he also had stomach cancer he was a shell of a man and it was horrible to watch him just disintegrate before my eyes. Then there was the fight about his funeral he wanted to be buried and they got him cremated i was so annoyed with everyone i fell out with my dad and sister and I was so very alone.

But I still had my gran even though her dementia is getting worse and my aunt nan who was a kindred spirit someone who never judged me as she'd been there done it all. Her husband my uncle Jim was in a mental hospital and she never missed a day seeing him even though it was miles away from her home. She was a strong lady but my uncle Jim died two months after my uncle john and part of her died to... We then found out she had cancer she didn't want the rest of the family to know but she broke her hip and got took into hospital and it became apparent there was more wrong with her to them all. She only ever wanted to go home to die but she wasn't allowed out of the hospital. 

This selfishly on my part set me drinking heavily again i was functioning just but drinking at least a litre of vodka a day to get me through it. I got worse as she did i even one night scored drugs something i hadn't done since i was in my early twenties.

She died after a horrible long fight but i consoled myself she was going to be with everyone she'd loved and lost. I got through the funeral organised it and made sure it was done the way she wanted unlike my uncle john's one. Then sorted out all her affairs.Then the Monday after i went into hospital for detox I'm still on the drugs to help with withdrawal but fuck do i want a drink. Instead though I'm typing this out to focus my mental mind. Today is day 14 of being sober again each time i hope it will stick but just taking it one day at a time. And one good thing about sorting everything out for my aunt my family are back to speaking to me again i don't want to loose anymore people in my life by death just yet or my own stupidity x